Moving On!

What a year in the books.  After a long and at times torturous relationship with my husband, I pulled the plug.  In doing so, I altered the direction of my life, for the good.  Bliss is the emotion that comes to mind!!  I once heard that you choose the exact life you want and not quite understanding it until I realized it.  I chose to remain in a marriage that lacked love, compassion, companionship and trust.

Bliss

I fooled myself for years into believing if I could get to next week, until the boys grew up, when I had greater job security, when, when, when, when.  I spent years living the "Good Wife", being beside a man I didn't love anymore and trusted no further than the tip of my nose. I believed staying in a bad marriage was better than being a single parent to two wonderful boys.
But things began to change when I could no longer listen to myself, when I could no longer hold up the facade and when I realized things would never be right in my marriage.  It was lopsided, with me holding it together. To blame is irresponsible because I was a participant in the union of two people. II once overheard a male colleague tell a male client, that he had the best of both world "I have a someone who cooks for me, someone who always keeps my clothes clean and someone to take care of my children," he added, "man, that's all you need in life, knowing someone was tending to your home."  It was then, I understood why my husband stuck around.
Once, I garnered the courage to take control of my life, I told him I wanted a divorce.  I could not be happier and looking forward to the future of being on my own.
That was my past year.

A Tribute to my Mom

The things I remember about my mom was her incredible sense of humor, often doing silly things if we had friends over.  Or playing practical jokes on her friends.  She loved to laugh and her smile was infectious.  She taught me how to shop and find the deals while still looking stylish, taking me to some of the city's best kept secret shops for shoes and dresses. She did her hair the old fashion way with pin curls instead of a curling iron.  Her favorite cookie and ice cream was maple flavoured and loved fries with white vinegar. Her favorite thing to do with her daughters was sit and read while we combed her hair pretending to be a hair salon, sometimes letting me use a curling iron. She had a large mole at the hairline on her forehead that I would sometimes bump with the brush.  She loved to read, something I inherited from her. She sang in the church choir with her best friend and loved to talk on the phone.  She drove stick shift and loved Sunday drives with her mom.  She was a non-drinker but loved coffee.  And she was an awful cook, spaghetti was not her strong suit and often she burned the pancakes.  And she was always running late. She was kind of incredible raising a large family on her own.

My mom, last one on the left circa 1984.

After the divorce, she found her purpose in the local school board and devoted all her time to serving in various capacities.  As her reputation grew, she became involved in local politics and often traveled the world to speak on Indigenous culture.  The last birthday card I got from her arrived from Switzerland in the summer of 1986 and it would be the last.  Later that fall she went to Holland with my brother, her last trip ever.  She came home in late October and by the following month she was diagnosed with lung cancer and died the following spring.

Not a day goes by without thinking of her and then there is the number of times I tell my boys about her.  "Your grandmother loved this, you remind me of your grandmother and she would be so proud of you."A couple of months ago I met my mom's aunt at a business function and stopped to say hello. Her aunt was the same age as her and they grew up like sisters, as we were talking the woman began to cry, shaking her head and saying how much I looked like her and I could tell she missed her too. I felt so incredible proud to have been her daughter in that moment and if at the end of any day you can feel that it's a tribute to your mom.  Happy Mother's Day.  

Happy 2014

2013 started out so-so and at times trying but as the year went on it got GOOD, GREAT AND sometimes EXCELLENT.  I am thankful for the lessons learned and having a great group of people in my life.  

2014 is the year all my hard work pays off in my career.  So without going on needlessly Happy New Year.  

I'm back!

My last entry was six months ago and even thought I didn't leave the country on an extend trip abroad it sure felt like that.  After culminating four projects with time sensitive deadlines and ending with a seven day grueling stint putting a project to bed I am back.

It's been quite the journey.  The spring ushered in new clients and new friends, spending a huge amount of time working but still managing my mommy duties.  Along the way I made new friends that will stay in my life forever.  

During this time, my better half asked me to quit my job, told me I didn't know how to be married instead of stinging with pain the comments gave me reflection.  As my marriage fluttered my career began to take off.  Finally!!!  Yes, with a lot of work and endless hours networking it's finally shaping into a career!!  Something I put my own imagination and creativity into.  It's almost like having another child and just as worth it.  

Getting back on track is the simply the BEST.  

Sandusky’s of the World and not speaking up!!

Today while driving down Main Street in my hometown, I drove past the man who molested me. It's been a while since I ran into him. He's a fun loving father, grandfather and most likely great grandfather. He is well liked in my small hometown in general. I drove by not giving him a second look when really all I wanted to do was give him the middle finger and put my window down and yell "Child Molester." I guess that effectively cancelled all the months I spent in therapy.
So it is with curiosity, that my twitter feed showed Slate mentioned a writer, Emily Yoffee, who confessed why she did not tell authorities or her parents she was molested three different times by three different men. You can read it here at www.slate.com titled My Molesters by Emily Joffee. I could identify with her because I did something similar.

 The first one was Mainstreeter when I was 14 years old, the next one at 16 was a young guy at camp who was around 17 years old and the third was by a relative when I was around eighteen. And like Ms Yoffee, instinctively I knew it was wrong each time it occurred.

Mainstreeter was a neighbor, who had a lovely wife and three children. I remember the night so vividly, there was an early evening thunderstorm in the middle of a very humid stretch in summer. The coolness of the storm slightly brought down the hot and heavy temperature of the day. Their trailer was somberly lit, probably in an attempt to keep the Fahrenheit down. All the children were all asleep. I sat in the living room where I could see the pilot light of the stove on. While his wife dolled up in the washroom, I waited for them to leave, not really paying attention to where Mainstreeter was in the tiny trailer. He wasn't around much; he worked in New York City and came home only enough to get his wife pregnant. She was expecting her fourth child and by the size of her belly she was close to the end. He came into the living room and sat down next to me. I could smell the beer on him and noted his shiny forehead. He molested me while his wife was in the next room fixing her hair. Brazen I say. He was so busy trying to put his hands in my pants and under my shirt, he didn't hear his wife enter the room. They argued outside in the rain and left on their evening outing. I didn't tell my mom because his wife held weekly craft classes I attended in my small hometown. With very little to do, I didn't want to ruin it. I later found out he molested many more young girls. And one brave pressed charges that got him conditions.

The next guy, a fellow camper with the worst teeth I ever laid eyes on, the two front teeth jutted out sideways making him looking scary. An ugly sight to say the least and his personality matched it. One night, I woke up with this guy on top of me trying to undue my pants. I fought him off and left camp later that week. Years later I confided in a close friend what happen and she said he did the same thing to her. Years later, I learned he died after drinking heavy and wandering into a lake.

The last one was a relative about 10 years older than me. It happened in my home one summer during college. I woke in the middle of the night after falling asleep on the couch to find him running his hand up and down my leg, more down than up. Startled and real angry he would even try to take advantage of me,  I kicked him in the face and ran off to my bedroom, not before telling my mom to control her relative. My mom got so few details but I got the gist instinctively she knew what I was referring to. All she said to me the next day was to always sleep in my own room from then on. We never talked about it. Only after she died, I discovered this relative sexually abused someone years earlier and that my mom was aware of the incident. It bugged me for a long time and I developed a deep resentment to my late mom. It took years to get over and I resolved my mom did the best she could too. It was her relative; she let him in her house because he had nowhere to go. It was this fact she knew of the abuse that sent me on my own personal journey into speaking up about abuse. And the first place I started was in my family. 

So I completely understand Ms. Yoffee's reasoning not to tell because you don't want to upset status quo and somehow you find a way compartmentalize the incident and their memories. I grew up in a very small town where everybody knew everybody by name.  News spread like wild fire, gossip was so bad, rumors ruined even the most innocent.  So part of the reason I didn't tell lies in there and the fact that up until then I seen no real reason tell.   So, I blocked out Mainstreeter's molestation for years, actually 16 years to be exact when one day I bumped into him at a golf tournament in my hometown. Though, I no longer lived there I had a business that required me there full-time. Then it all came back to me, the feelings of violation but with an upside of anger. I wanted to confront him, punish him and run him over with my golf cart. The anger worsened as our paths crossed more often than not. I went to therapy to get a handle on my intense feelings and yesterday brought it back, not to the original extent but its there and I think it will always be there.
Like Ms. Yoffee, I watched intently the Jerry Sandusky trial from beginning to end and cried when they read the verdict. I watched the interview with victim #1 and cried as he talked about his courage to finally tell someone. I don't label myself a victim and don't feel like a victim but I see where my youth, shyness and the fact that I came from a broken family made me an easy target. I don't condone my actions for keeping it quiet, 25 years ago is a lot different from today. Just the fact, today more resources are available for victims of abuse than when I was a teenager. Kudos to the courageous souls who do speak out.

Day 54, Dukan Diet

Something remarkable happen at the office the other day, a coworker told me I was sexy.  That's a new one for me and made me smile all day.  As I  was leaving the office he followed me out to explain, my look had changed and he found it was alluring and sexy.  He commented on my boots, my legs, etc.  Dukan Diet thank you!!!

I have about another month until my ideal weight is reached and I am over the top in joy.  Sorry, but there is nothing better than fitting into your clothes comfortably and I love.

Happy New Year!!

Dukan Diet Day 54

It's Day 54 and I have gained back 5lbs from the holidays.  No worries, I am back on the low carb eating plan.  I have 15lbs to go to reach my ideal weight.

I kept the diet simple with easy choices in my hectic schedule.  I continue to eat Greek Yogurt with Oat Bran for breakfast, an omelet for lunch or salad with protein, for dinner, I eat the no carb portion of dinner I make for the family.  Tacos is still my favorite low carb.  

So there, I will post the moment the 5lbs has vanished from my waistline.  The best thing is fitting into my jeans!!!

New Year, New Me

I am not one for making New Years resolutions, only to break them by the end of January.  But hey, I am much wiser now to know that some things in you life need changing to move forward to a better you.  

So I decided to say "NO" more often.  In the past, despite all logic I would say "YES" only to kick myself in the ass later on. The second thing is to up the ante in my career.  In the past year, I broke some records and made the impossible deals but I also lagged when I achieved these things.  I think its  called "resting on you laurel." I vow to keep up the momentum and find differing ways to keep me in line.  

So there it is folks, my resolutions for 2013.  I also coined 2013 the year of redemption because a person can only take so much shit in their life before travelling a new path.  Happy New Year to all.  

Dukan Diet Day 34

DAY 34

I am 7.5 lbs away from my goal weight.  Things I learned that effect weight loss, I should say slow it down is: wine.  I attended my company Christmas party the other day and had two glasses of wine in a span of 5 five hours.  My meal was Protein/Veggie with wine.  The next day, my weight went up two pounds.  Once before, I consumed carbs intentionally and waited three days for three pounds to come off.  By tomorrow, my weight should restore.

My daily diet consists of Pure Protein for breakfast, Protein/Veggie mix for lunch usually a salad with chicken and dinner is Pure Protein.

I cut back on yogurt with bits and now include Plain Greek Yogurt and Oat Bran as my breakfast staple.

I admit this diet is easy, less restrictive than others and fits my lifestyle nicely.  My goal weight is 3 weeks away.  Yahoo.

Dukan Day 20

It's almost three weeks on the Dukan Diet and I am feeling mighty fine.  I have lost 12 pounds since starting with a few missteps.  One is wine, high in carbs and not great on Dukan.  Two, not all fat free yogurts are created equal.  And three, accidently ingesting carbs slows the weight loss down.  Finally, one day pure protein and one day protein and veggie really does work.

My eating plan has changed a bit:

Breakfast:  Greek yogurt with OatBran and tea
Lunch:  Varies, depending on my schedule
Supper:  I am finding it easier to stick to protien by planning ahead.

I feel great and my clothes are getting looser and looser which by far is better than toast.

The Dukan 10

Day 14 on the Dukan Diet and I dropped 10lbs.  My jeans are fitting looser which I love.  Only yesterday did I get extremely hungry, which I suspect is from my lunch of one Italian sausage on the run.  But I kept to my guns and felt how great I fit into my clothes as opposed to eating on the run which would have been disastrous.   

Since day 11, I kept to my yogurt with Oatbran for breakfast and must attested to the fact this combo really does fill you up.

Day 12:
Breakfast:  Greek Yogurt with oatbran and a tea
Lunch:  one Italian sausage
Snack:  1.5 oz of cheddar cheese, 1 cup of celery and garden salad
Supper:  Chicken wings, not recommend on the Dukan and 1 cup of celery

Day 13:
Breakfast:  2 eggs omelet and a yogurt with oatbran

Dukan Week 2

Day 8: Lost 6lbs in total

·        Breakfast: 3 Egg omelet with bacon

·        Lunch: *** I fell off the Dukan Wagon at lunch with my sister and ate carbs.  

·        Supper:  1 Low Fat Yogurt no oat bran

I felt the effects of sugar in my body for the first time, so unpleasant.  

Day 9: Lost 6.5lbs in total: Weight stayed the same as I thought it would. 

·        Breakfast: Low Fat Yogurt with 1 tbsp oat bran

·        Lunch: Garden Salad

·        Supper: Roast Chicken, asparagus and Low Fat Yogurt

Woke in the middle of the night with a urgent need to pee, culprit:  asparagus

Day 10: Lost 7lbs in total.

·        Breakfast: Low Fat Yogurt with 1 tbsp oat bran

·        Lunch: 2 Egg omelet with bacon and sausage

·        Supper: Taco salad

Day 11: Lost 7.5lbs in total.

·        Breakfast: Low Fat Yogurt with 1 tbsp oat bran